How To Like What You See On The Scale

Dun dun dunnnnnnnn...... The Scale. Two words, one terrifying fear. The fear that you will not appreciate the three digit number that pops up between your feet. "Not appreciate" being an obese (large) understatement. This blog primarily targets girls, so if you have a wiener just stop now. Unless for some reason, you too have a scale fear.

People fear the scale for 2 reasons
  • They are scared it is going to be too high. (It happens to the best of us).
  • They are scared it is going to be too low. (Go die).

This blog isn't for the later, so if you are afraid of a fast metabolism, then just stop now. For the rest of you fatsos, I've conjured up a few tips n bits on how to start liking the number on the scale and be the best you can be, love yourself, follow your dreams, reach for the stars, listen to your heart, and dream big.

Starve yo-self. Like DUH. You can't have that brownie if you want to wake up skinny. Heck, don't even pick up that fork. You be hefty. Go do some laps around the kitchen before you snack on that chicken. Make that GRILLED SEASON WITH LEMON chicken. No way no how you should be eating that fried stuff. So if you want to love the skin you're in then DUCT TAPE YO MOUTH B!!!!TCH.

Treat yourself. For desert, I always like to have a big bowl of air. Mmmmm. Or for a real splurge, go ahead and whip up a nice glass of water. If you are feeling cray cray, you can put that sh!t in the micro and heat it up. Your night just got steamier. Or why not throw some cubes in there and cool it down. Peeps be callin you LLCoolJ.(sorry overkill)

If you want to like the number you have to be the number. You have to feel, breathe, eat, lick, touch, sniff the number. The number is your friend. The number is you. Be one with the number. You are the number. This brings me to personal mantras. Some people like to write their personal mantras on post its, stick to their bathroom mirror, and say them every morning. But I find that the more successful approach is to sharpie it on your forehead, and watch people around you say it to themselves in public places. I prefer cramped, enclosed places where people are forced so stand by you. Lets them soak it in. Public school buses always do the trick. And in no time, at the next stop, the bus clears leaving just you. It's like a win win.

Mantras to consider if you're a winner:
  • I am the number
  • I will like what I see between my feet.
  • I will like to look down and be happy in the mornings.
  • I'm too sexy 4 my shirt.
  • The scale lies, and pigs fly.
Just remember to use sharpie when writing it on your forehead. Because it's annoying to rewrite it every morning with a washable marker. Unless you don't shower of course, then feel free.

Always weigh yourself in the morning. I find it helps to weigh myself, oh, 4 in the morning, so that I'm incoherent and it doesn't matter what the scale says, I'll like it.

Always weigh yourself with dry hair. Wet hair adds like 5 pounds. Duh.

Clip your toe nails prior to weigh in. And twice a day from thence afterwards. TOE NAILS ARE SICK. This doesn't really effect the weigh in, I just despise toe nails.

Weigh in naked. Studies show that eskimos suffer low self esteem because when they weigh theirselves, they don't realize their parkas add 40 pounds. So in reality, they only weigh 230 pounds. It's never fun to be mistaken for a polar bear, or have dead fish thrown at you. Just remember that.

It also never hurts to put a foot on the floor when you weight yourself. This is common sense, you idiotz.

If all else fails and you still hate the numba on the scale, you could always kill yourself.
I'm kidding.
But really, if you aren't happy with it just sit in a garage with the car running.
Ha, gotcha again.
In all seriousness though, if the scale still says 271 pounds, just drown your sorrows in pizza until you can't breathe, then throw yourself out of a building.
Ok I'll stop.

HaVe A hEaLtHy DaAaAyYyY, TrAAnnNNiiiiEEEsss!!~!~!~!

1 comment:

  1. I love that we're roommates and best friends becausssse

    Please keep updating this and spicing up my life.

    Much appreciated, Patti.