-Warning: may contain inappropriate language-
Everybody reaches that age where cussing is completely acceptable in front of (most) friends you are comfortable with, and maybe even a few coworkers but the age old question still remains: Should I say “ASS” in front of my dad today?
To casually drop a bomb in front of your parents, you have to warm them up a bit. You can’t just stub your toe and go out of control with words only used by rappers. Let the bomb down gently….. “Oh mom have you seen the latest Desperate Housewives? Edie is such a bitch…..” *casually duck eye glance over towards mom, take note of her facial reaction* If she responds well, throw an ass in there. “Gosh, work was crazy today, I’m ass-tired.” Or if that is too blunt for you maybe try this: “A f**k**g dumb ass made my life hell today and I’m tired as sh!t”
A lot of the times, you may feel uncomfortable laying naughty words all over your parents, maybe you think they will scold you, but even the strictest of parents will lay a bomb now and then…. And also let a bad word slip…
Ass. It is the most friendly cuss word. In fact, is it a cuss word? This is the definition, via google, of Ass.
n. Vulgar Slang, pl., ass·es (ăs'ĭz).
The buttocks: the fleshy part of the human body that you sit on
"he deserves a good kick in the butt"
a pompous fool
hardy and sure-footed animal smaller and with longer ears than the horse
Ass is just a body part, but so is foot. And you don’t ever hear parents scolding their 3-year olds for saying “WHAT THE FOOT”. So what’s the problem with “WHAT THE ASS”? My friends, there is no problem. So to start off with Cussing Casually In Front of Your Parents for Beginners, ass is always the first bomb you want to drop on them. Like previously mentioned, here are a few more examples:
“The kitchen smells like ass”
“It’s ass-hot outside”
“I look like ass”
“Someone just called for you, they sounded ass-happy”
But play with “ass” as you chose, and use it however you like, being that it’s so flexible and casual. If you want to take the next step, I suggest you experiment with “bitch.” Bitch can be a tricky one since it almost always involves another person to describe. My advice is to pick someone who is either a celebrity or just a top notch B-word. Once your comfortable with bitch, feel free to play with “Bitch-ass.” This is a more advanced cuss word, being that it involves double the cuss words, but it is still useable in everyday life.
“So I was helping my customer, and she gave me a $100 to buy something that was $5, I said ‘Bitch-ass, break your bills’, and she said “uh uh no you didn’t”
“REHAB stop barking, don’t be a bitch-ass”
“Party Saturday… Be there or be bitch-ass”
If you aren’t yet ready to move to the next level, it always helps to change the pitch of your voice when laying the load. For example, keep the sentence normal until the bomb comes then raise your pitch a couple octaves, or make a deep mermaid voice. That always keeps the humor light, voice changes. For great examples of bipolar voices and accents, youtube The Tyra Banks Show, and watch that crazy animal host. You can even whisper or yell the cuss word to get a lighter effect.
When you have mastered ass and bitch, you can move on to shit. Shit is primarily an adult word for “poop” or “crap.” Needless to say it’s one of the dirtiest of the cuss words and should be used with caution, as this word ups the offensive level. To keep the humor and casualness light with this word, I always advise a big teethy smile right after saying it.
“That shits just nastaayy” *SMILE *
Another way to lighten the mood for shit is to change the way you pronounce it. Sheeeeeyit. Shat. Shiz. Ssshhhhitacki mushrooms. Sheht. There are many ways to play with “shit” and if you just take the time to stand in front of the mirror every so often for a few minutes and just shit talk in different forms, then you will develop your own style for shit. (sh)ITS EASY!
Now for the doozy. The next level of cuss words, strictly for professionals, is “f**k.” Because I feel I am still in the “bitch-ass” phase, I’m not comfortable with spelling the word out, prefer to use my little stars to fill in letters but YOU GET THE IDEA. IT RYHMES WITH YUCK. Any who. This word is on the offensive side and should be dealt with responsibly… The popular phrase involving this noun is “WTF” and is causally used in texts and even conversations (on the rare). But since we are dealing with elders, we can’t just f**k all over the place. If they responded well to ass, bitch, bitch-ass, and sheeeeeyit, then give f**k a try. Maybe you can slur/mumble it in a sentence as a gerund, for example:
“Oh gosh, I’m about to sneeze, wheresthefking tissue??”
“This kitchen has hair all ass-over the floor, someoneneedstofkng sweep this sheeeeyit.”
I’ve developed my own comfortable way of using f**k when around close friends. I don’t say the “ck”. I pronounce it “fuh” but I don’t drag it out, I cut the word off abruptly. It is not: “what the fuuuhhhhhh”. It is: “what the fu-“
Or my favorite: “Wellfu”
I use another technique, that I previously mentioned, to lighten the mood. I use a certain voice when I say it so it’s not so heavy on the heart or ears. “wellFUH”
I hope this guide helps you on your quest to casually cuss in front of your parents, and that your parents and you may bond and bask in the joy of words, be they naughtyJ or be they niceL
GOOD LUCK! AND HAVEAGOODFKING DAY, BITCH-ASS!