To catch everyone up, cell phones stores withhold no cell phones. What do they have, you ask? Cell phone accessories. Models of cell phones they don’t have. Business cards with numbers that DON’T WORK MISTER GARCIA COMMA ROBERT.
Any who. Today was day three of no texting. This is because my crapberry, oops I mean assberry, excuse me, BLACKberry has issues with the “Ok” button. The issue being it completely doesn’t work. So I can scroll, and push end, and push talk, but CANNOT PUSH OKAY. WHICH IS NOT OKAY. Because of that one simple thing, I can only call people from my phone. Which is so weird. So ironic. My phone can only call people…Now I don’t have facebook, no brickbreaker, no phone or video recorder and weirdest of all…. No. Texting. Essentially my phone is now just… a phone.
In that process of it becoming something invented in the 90s, I am starting to treat it like the red headed step child. It’s not by my side every second, I don’t delicately clean the screen with the germ spray and gym towel after I work out, and I even fail to charge it. Because my phone is just a phone, and not a GPS system slash office in my pocket. Disappointing. I now feel the need to have all my overrated never used “apps” like Pandora and Microsoft excel and music player and that one thing that made it ‘disco blink’ when someone called.
The worst part about having a non-functioning “ok” button???? I can see how many missed alerts I have COUGH COUGH 109 COUGH but I can’t read them. It is like having 109 birthday presents wrapped up and it’s been a week after your birthday and you still can’t open them. So not to say I’m the most popular person on earth or anything buuuuut…. I’m the most popular person on earth. With that said, my three day texting fast has semi destroyed the social life. Party tonight at Cactus Lounge, WAS I THERE? No. DID MY PHONE VIBRATE 20 TIMES TONIGHT? Yes. DID PEOPLE FACEBOOK ME TO GO THERE? Well just one, whatever, but I was not about to drive down to a bar by myself and sober. Had this been any normal day, I would have texted someone’s ass to pick me up or meet me blah blah.
My mom says “There is nothing wrong with your phone, you’re on it right now, why do you need a new one?” “MOM I HAVE NO OKAY BUTTON. THUS NO TEXTING. THUS NO LIFE.” ..”Looks to me like you haven’t texted for two days and are still alive, I think you’re fine.” “MAW, NEED IPHONE.” …”No you don’t need all those apps, why don’t you just get a phone like mine? …”Because I don’t want 8th graders to hit on me, doing that would downgrade my overdue upgrade”
So I have been determined as ass to get an iPhone, but the funny thing is, THE REALLY REALLY HILARIOUS FUNNY THING IS, that At&t just doesn’t happen to have them this week ooopsie they send their regards, call back tomorrow. Really??????????? You know Shakespeare once said, “Doth a tongue against the cheek of lies, draws the flies in with a disguise” and basically At&t lies. It doesn’t matter that I just made that up, and Shakesalot never said that, the point is that I KNOW THEY HAVE IPHONES IN THEIR LITTLE BACK ROOM. Because how could they not…. Is my question. How. Could. They. Not. ?. At least I’ll have it in “a little over a week” if I order it. ALITTLE OVER A WEEK? IS THAT HOW WE AMERICANS TALK NOW??? Oh, Billy Bob, how old is your grandma these days? Well Jack-John, she’s a little over 24. IF I HAVEN’T SUFFERED FATAL HEART DETERIORATION IN “a little over a week” THEN I’LL BE GLAD TO TAKE THE DANG TEXT MACHINE AND I MIGHT LIVE TO BE A LITTLE OVER 24.
Tomorrow is Day Four in my quest to find purpose in this journey called life sans texting. I will attempt it boldly and pissed offly. I will attempt to take it with a meaningless smile on my face and a rephrased sentence in my head. I will attempt to not attempt homicide directed towards the innocent fartknockers at AT&T.