Some things on my mind on a Thursday morning

1. Never shop from amiclubwear.com I just sent them an extremely agitated, snappy, pissed off e-mail. Those b words sent me a SMALL swimsuit when HI HAVE YOU SEEN MY BUTT? I ORDERED A LARGE. And of course they don't do returns on swimwear. What kind of scam is that?!!?!? I'm so mad.

2. J Lo works it more than I ever will. And she is in her 40s.

3. MY POLYSCI CLASS IS A JOKE. If it wasn't enough that the teacher is A) A grad student, B) Comes to class hungover, C) Assigns us assignments to watch movies, D) Is always behind on notes and wonders why over 50% of the class fails, and E) Never posts tests grades online like he's supposed to, NOW HE ISN'T EVEN COMING TO CLASS. There is this other teacher taking over this week because he is "sick." WELL BIG WHOOP. I GO TO CLASS SICK ALL THE TIME. Now there is like this fill in teacher who is a girl and also doesn't know what she is doing. She just showed up 10 minutes late to class. I am one of the like 12, in class. Naturally, writing a blog, and not studying.

haveagoodday.

QUE??????

Sorry about the constant blogging, sort of, I just wanted to update the world on a new trend. If your brave enough.

The pink pants.... what?????!?!?!?!

QUE??????????

How To Like What You See On The Scale

Dun dun dunnnnnnnn...... The Scale. Two words, one terrifying fear. The fear that you will not appreciate the three digit number that pops up between your feet. "Not appreciate" being an obese (large) understatement. This blog primarily targets girls, so if you have a wiener just stop now. Unless for some reason, you too have a scale fear.

People fear the scale for 2 reasons

• They are scared it is going to be too high. (It happens to the best of us).
• They are scared it is going to be too low. (Go die).

This blog isn't for the later, so if you are afraid of a fast metabolism, then just stop now. For the rest of you fatsos, I've conjured up a few tips n bits on how to start liking the number on the scale and be the best you can be, love yourself, follow your dreams, reach for the stars, listen to your heart, and dream big.

NUMBER ONE-

Starve yo-self. Like DUH. You can't have that brownie if you want to wake up skinny. Heck, don't even pick up that fork. You be hefty. Go do some laps around the kitchen before you snack on that chicken. Make that GRILLED SEASON WITH LEMON chicken. No way no how you should be eating that fried stuff. So if you want to love the skin you're in then DUCT TAPE YO MOUTH B!!!!TCH.

NUMBER TWO-

Treat yourself. For desert, I always like to have a big bowl of air. Mmmmm. Or for a real splurge, go ahead and whip up a nice glass of water. If you are feeling cray cray, you can put that sh!t in the micro and heat it up. Your night just got steamier. Or why not throw some cubes in there and cool it down. Peeps be callin you LLCoolJ.(sorry overkill)

NUMBER THREE-

If you want to like the number you have to be the number. You have to feel, breathe, eat, lick, touch, sniff the number. The number is your friend. The number is you. Be one with the number. You are the number. This brings me to personal mantras. Some people like to write their personal mantras on post its, stick to their bathroom mirror, and say them every morning. But I find that the more successful approach is to sharpie it on your forehead, and watch people around you say it to themselves in public places. I prefer cramped, enclosed places where people are forced so stand by you. Lets them soak it in. Public school buses always do the trick. And in no time, at the next stop, the bus clears leaving just you. It's like a win win.

Mantras to consider if you're a winner:

• I am the number
• I will like what I see between my feet.
• I will like to look down and be happy in the mornings.
• I'm too sexy 4 my shirt.
• The scale lies, and pigs fly.

Just remember to use sharpie when writing it on your forehead. Because it's annoying to rewrite it every morning with a washable marker. Unless you don't shower of course, then feel free.

NUMBER FOUR

Always weigh yourself in the morning. I find it helps to weigh myself, oh, 4 in the morning, so that I'm incoherent and it doesn't matter what the scale says, I'll like it.

Always weigh yourself with dry hair. Wet hair adds like 5 pounds. Duh.

Clip your toe nails prior to weigh in. And twice a day from thence afterwards. TOE NAILS ARE SICK. This doesn't really effect the weigh in, I just despise toe nails.

Weigh in naked. Studies show that eskimos suffer low self esteem because when they weigh theirselves, they don't realize their parkas add 40 pounds. So in reality, they only weigh 230 pounds. It's never fun to be mistaken for a polar bear, or have dead fish thrown at you. Just remember that.

It also never hurts to put a foot on the floor when you weight yourself. This is common sense, you idiotz.

If all else fails and you still hate the numba on the scale, you could always kill yourself.

I'm kidding.

But really, if you aren't happy with it just sit in a garage with the car running.

Ha, gotcha again.

In all seriousness though, if the scale still says 271 pounds, just drown your sorrows in pizza until you can't breathe, then throw yourself out of a building.

Ok I'll stop.

HaVe A hEaLtHy DaAaAyYyY, TrAAnnNNiiiiEEEsss!!~!~!~!

For those of you who have no time to waste time, here's another distraction.

I've always heard of stumbleupon and one of my friends always talks about it, but I've never actually experienced it.

Well today I did.

And if you haven't seen the wonders for yourself, it is time. I am blowing up facebook and twitter with my new findings. So far moderately to severely obsessed.

Essentially-

You register with it (annoying, I know) BUT then you check off all your interests and likes (takes 3 to 6 seconds, I promise) then you click "stumble" and magically a new page appears and IT IS SOMETHING THAT INTERESTS YOU. From that point, you ooooo and aaaaaahhh at the page, then you can either "like" or "unlike" it. We are all familiar with the "like" concept. Then when you're done being boggled by your new finding, you stumble again, and REPEAT.

Here were some of my fav findings....

A man paid off his $6500 credit card with Pennies. I've always wanted to do this with places that P'O'd me, but never actually thought it was possible. This cray cray californian proved me wrong.

I freaking hate frogs. But this one is sassy.

EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS.

How do people think of this.... Like... I thought I was mildly creative. I was wrong.

My favorite one is the girl in the trash. LOLOL.

I decided I'm going to read Mrs. Dalloway. I like Virginia Wolf thingz.

SISTER NEAL, You will love this. You and Bob will never be bored with din din.

I read this title, and was like PSSSHHHH- New Mexico does it better. Then I scrolled down, and immediately made the sunflower pic my new desktop.

OMG, I MISS DANCE SO MUCH, amplified now even more by this video, I "stumbled upon." I just.... no words. No. Wordz.

For all you hardXcore Rock and Roll fans.

I don't know how to describe what I'm seeing....? I like it? I can't stop?

Cosmo always has articles about body language, and they've always fascinated me. Check it d@wg.

This is for all you creative writers out there.

CuPcAkEzzzz

I just love things like this. I want to write on iiiitttttt

OKAY I've officially wasted a significant portion of time on the computer.

Shalom.

My latest obsessions...

Home Decor

That is weird. Why am I into decorating lately? I don't know but I love googling decor ideas!

This blog has some good idears...

http://neonfoxtongue.typepad.com/neonfoxtongue/2009/

07/friday-im-in-love-diy-home-decor.html

House of Harlow Jewelry

Always in style. Cannot have enough.

The sheer maxi shirt.

Currently obsessed with this little number.

Head wrap turbans

They are cool!!!!!!!!!!!!! Check out this lil website.

http://med.dbrink.net/2011/02/06/spring-2011-trend-report-3-turban-head-wraps/

ALL THINGS ELIE SAAB

Everything associated with this designer is dreamlike. Obsessed with google imaging her collections.

Kanye West.

His new album be guuuuuuuuud.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm5iA4Zupek

George Gina Lucy

Ever since I've started working at Chrome I've been hypnotized with this brand. I bought my first GGL purse on sale at Chrome, and it's been good to me. But lately, I've tired of big purses and just favor small baby bags.

This will be my next GGL purchase, AND I CANNOT WAIT. I got it in black.

This is one I am thinking about getting for use as a carry on for the Boston trip!!

It's like the perfect carry on size.

All things Amanda Seyfried.

I can always count on a good movie when she is in it. Red riding hood WAS AWESOME.

Painting my nails different colors.

Or a gradient of colors. I like to keep eet freeeesh.

KIITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Recently discovered "kitty wigs" while watching Animal planet the other day.

Some of my advertising homework....

Motorola XOOM (like an iPad)

Headline: Frank may have lost the match, but at least he still has his pride.

Subhead: Or at least for a few more seconds while Bill uploads the video straight to the Internet from his Xoom.

Illustration: The ad shows a man playing tennis using his iPad tablet as the rack. He is pale, scrawny, and maybe in his late teens/early twenties. He is sweating from the hot sun, and seems to be losing the match against a girl using a tennis racket. Another man is standing by watching the tennis match using his Motorola Xoom to take pictures and videos of the match. He is in his late twenties/early thirties, tan, buff, and in the shade drinking lemonade. The two tablets are distinguishable due to the silver apple for the iPad, and the sleek blackness of the Xoom.

Body Copy: There’s more than one way to use a tablet. And when the tablet is the Motorola Xoom, there’s even more. That video you just took? You could save it with the 32GB of storage. Otherwise you could edit and upload it to Facebook immediately using Wi-fi or Bluetooth. Maybe you want to e-mail to your co-worker using the fastest 4G service with Verizon. Or why not just play it back on the 10.1-inch HD LCD screen? Finally, a tablet that is impossibly easy, but impeccably made.

Mandatories: Looks like luxury. Feels like freedom. Sounds like Xoom.

WD-40

Headline: The only thing worse than a first date bailing on you? The balcony bailing on you.

Subhead: None.

Illustration: The headline is in bold black font on top of the page, and the page has 2 main pictures, with 1 insert thumbnail picture. The picture on the left is of a Caucasian man in his late twenties leaning against the rail on a balcony, with his head in one hand, and a bouquet of roses in the other. It is nighttime, and the rail is composed of iron bars. He is dressed up in a suit, looking pathetic and remorse. The other picture on the right is of the same man falling off of the balcony due to the rusted rail collapsing. The bottom of the page has the body copy in a dark font. The inserted thumbnail picture is on the bottom right and shows a man’s hands using the WD-40 big blast can to spray the rusted iron bars. The slogan is underneath the body copy in a slightly bigger font, and is in a bold navy. A small picture logo of the WD-40 big blast can is in the lower left corner.

Body copy: The uses and benefits of WD-40 don’t end in the garage. They only begin there. Explore all the ways it can repair and protect everyday utilities, even rusted rails on the balcony. After all, life depends on balcony rails. Life depends on WD-40. Simple, quick, affordable, it just makes sense.

Slogan: None.

Mandatories: When you use WD-40 outside the garage, you never have to leave home. www.wd40.com.

Another one...

Headline: The only thing worse than getting struck by lightning? Well nothing. But finding chewed gum stuck in your carpet definitely makes the list.

Subhead: None

Illustration: The heading is in bold white writing over dark gray clouds on the top of the page. The middle of the page is just a single lightning bolt in a dark sky fading to a white carpet with pink chewing gum stuck in it. The bottom of the page is white with body copy in black font. An inserted thumbnail picture is added in the right corner, and shows a woman’s hands easily getting the gum out of the carpet using the WD-40 Smart Straw can. The slogan is underneath the body copy in a slightly bigger font, and is in a bold navy. A picture logo of the WD-40 Smart Straw can is in the lower left corner.

Body copy: The uses and benefits of WD-40 don’t end in the garage. They only begin there. Explore all the ways it can lubricate and remove unwanted residue from everyday utilities, even your favorite white carpet. Simple, quick, affordable, it just makes sense.

Ginger Bears (candy that taste like aaaassssss)

Headline: I can’t pound back beers with you tonight, but I can be there for you when your head pounds tomorrow.

Subhead: None.

Illustration: The ad features a small bar/pub full of middle age men and women. Ginger bear candies are sitting on stools at the bar. There is a sign hanging that says “Kareoke Night” and a man, roughly in his thirties, is drunkenly singing and causing a scene. Some people have their phones out taking pictures/video. The heading is on the top of the page in bold black letters, body copy on the bottom, and mandatory headline on lower right.

Body Copy: Why worry about the flavor of ginger when the video of your intense rendition of “Take Me Home Tonight,” could potentially end up on youtube? Besides it’s about tiem there’s a candy with a sweet-spicy-ginger-zing. Especially since ginger is known to provide hangover relief. Isn’t it about time you tried Australia’s finest candy?

Slogan: None

Mandatories: “An Australian-feel, and a zing that’s unreal. Ginger bears.” A small logo of a bag of Ginger Bears.

The product package is a bag that has is vertical stripes of yellow and orange (yellow is mentally stimulating and orange activates appetite). The font color is blue (complimentary color of orange) and bold in the title “Ginger Bears.” Actual pictures of ginger bears (not cartoons) are piled one on top of the other on the bottom of the package.

Tabasco Headlines

Tabasco. It will make anything hotter. Except your blind date.

Tabasco. It will turn blandness to brilliance. But don't pour it on your math teacher.

Creep-asses galore.

Creepy people are two things....

1. Vast, and 2. Significantly more creepy than the rest of us.

But mainly, vast. Creepies are liking your facebook stati, breathing down your neck in the overcrowded bus, making direct eye contact with you in the next car over, and watching you decide which flavor of low-fat yogurt you want. What do they want from us? Why are they staring? Is something on my face?

Sometimes I feel bad for them. Maybe the man across the way is watching me pick out yogurt because he envies that I am not lactose intolerant.

OR MAYBE HE IS A PERVERT CREEP ASS

Oh and let's not talk about how 12 second red-lights are PRIME creep TIME. It's like they have an excuse to star at you in the next car over because they aren't driving. AT LEAST TEXT OR LOOK IN THE MIRROR LIKE THE REST OF SOCIETY AT RED LIGHTS.

Immediately, this brings me to facebook. Because half the time I'm texting at red lights, I'm not texting, I'm facebooking. Mark Zuckerberg increased all of our death rates, yet increased all of our happiness. So it cancels out.

AnYwHo, there is allllllways that person on facebook who likes your status even if it is an inside joke that she has no part of, and can't possibly understand. That person that likes the photo of you and your grandma. That person who comments on your photo from a 3 year old album saying, "I have that shirt!"

Do you.

Incredible.

Yes, Facebook is the breeding ground for fictional and non-fictional creepers of the earth. At least, in times of desperation, I can always count on that huge creep ass to like my less successful stati. Finally, a plus side to the creepiness.

Wishing all of you a creepy day,

Augusta.........

(multiple periods are creepy.................................)